re: re: submission

Stuck in a dystopian loop of passive aggressive emails and continuous rejections.

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Dear Mr. Marsh,

We regret to inform you will we will not be publishing your story The Twilight on Fiction Incorporated.

The use of routines and actions whilst interesting was found repetitive by our sample readers, who felt there was too much about the characters to infer.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

 

Dear Fiction Incorporated,

My names is James Marsh. I am a would-be author of psychological horror, social realism and modern horror.

Please find attached my latest story, The Window cleaner.  A psychological tale of conformity and trauma in mundane circumstances.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Kindest regards,

James Marsh.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

We regret to inform you will we will not be publishing your story The Window cleaner on Fiction Incorporated.

The feedback from our readers is that your story suffers from too much of a tendency to tell rather than show and so it is somewhat uninteresting as a result.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

 

Dear Fiction Incorporated,

I am James Marsh, a budding author of psychological fiction.

Please find attached my story Human Robot Relations, a dystopian tale of how the present destroys the future.

Thank you as always for your time and attention.

Kindest regards,

James Marsh.

Dear James,

Hope this email finds you well.

I am awaiting the report you informed me would be ready today.

I sincerely hope this we will be sent soon.

Please let me know if you need any further support. I am here to help as always.

Looking forward to your prompt response,

Lawrence Jackson-Smyth,

Senior Vice President,

Richards Industries.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

We regret to inform you will we will not be publishing your story Human Robot Relations on Fiction Incorporated.

The feedback from our panel of readers was that the story was too ambiguous and the ending lacked resolution.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

Dear Fiction Incorporated,

I am James Marsh, a hopeful fiction author.

Attached is Mushroom Memories, a second person account from a natural perspective.

Thank you so much for your time and attention.

Kindest regards,

James Marsh.

Hello James,

Hope this email finds you well.

Unfortunately, I have received a complaint regarding you from one of your colleagues.

Whilst there are ongoing issues with the office air conditioner and this may cause slight issues with certain staff members’ personal hygiene situation, it is highly unhelpful to compare their odour with the smell of a Dickensian pauper’s grave.

This matter would have been referred to HR, were it not for me personally stepping in on your behalf with this individual.

Please let me know if you need any support and if you’d like to discuss in person. I’d also appreciate the report that is owed asap.

Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter,

Lawrence Jackson-Smyth,

Senior Vice President,

Richards Industries.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

We regret to inform you will we will not be publishing your story Mushroom Memories on Fiction Incorporated.

Whilst there was an element of an interesting idea here, we felt the narrative was too fragmented.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

Dear Fiction Incorporated,

I am James Marsh, an erstwhile writer.

Please find attached Watching Paint Dry, a treatise on boredom.

Thank you for your time and attention,

James Marsh.

Dear user,

Thank you for taking our survey on the recent compulsory, annual Health and Safety training.

Whilst the survey was intended as anonymous, we of course know the I.P. address from where surveys and comments were submitted.

Therefore, we would like to seek further clarification your description of the training as ‘a load of guff.’

Thank you for your attention to this matter,

The Human Resources Team.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

We regret to inform you will we will not be publishing your story Watching Paint Dry on Fiction Incorporated.

The colloquial nature of much of the dialogue meant it was rather difficult for some of our reading panel to follow.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

Dear James,

It with sadness that I must share I have received another complaint regarding your conduct in the office.

Your feedback that Colin from Finance consistently distracts others with his level of noise in a shared environment will be further investigated but publicly calling him the biggest bellringer since Quasimodo in a public space is nor reflective of our company’s core values of inclusion and collaboration. Perhaps you could consider showing the behaviour you might expect rather than telling?

I am always here to support, should stressful situations need to be resolved with a neutral adjudicator.

Thank you for your compliance in advance,

Lawrence Jackson-Smyth,

Senior Vice President,

Richards Industries.

Dear Fiction Incorporated,

I’m James Marsh, a corporate drone who wants to write.

Attached is Corporate Cocksuckers, a satire of modern offices.

Thank you for reading.

Kindest regards,

James Marsh.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

We regret to inform you will we will not be publishing your story Corporate C**ksuckers on Fiction Incorporated.

Our reading panel found the dialogue quite generic and not authentic enough, whilst the submitted story broke our profanity policy. We feel it might be worth considering another outlet for your unique voice at this juncture.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

Hello James,

I’ve finally been forced to refer you our Human Resources department, with regret.

Michael ‘Micky’ Whitehouse is an esteemed, venerable, long-standing colleague in this company who has on occasion had glandular problems that can manifest themselves in degrees of incontinence.

Referring to him as Dicky Shitehouse in both writing and speech so that others may also follow this pattern, is both hurtful and unacceptable to our inclusive, family orientated values. As is sarcastically commenting that he is older than Tutankhamen’s grandma and half as fragrant.

Please expect a request from our Human Resources department regarding further disciplinary action soon.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter in advance,

Lawrence Jackson-Smyth,

Senior Vice President,

Richards Industries.

Dear Fiction Incorporated,

Yeah, it’s me again.

Attached is D.E.I.B, Death by Email, Insipid Bastards.

Cheers,

James Marsh.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

Thank you for your attendance at the recent reconciliation with Human Resources.

Despite your initial reticence during the initial phase of the interview, we are satisfied that you understand how the sobriquets you created for your colleague Mr. Whitehouse are in contradiction of our company values. And that your dialogue should be edited accordingly.

However, we have also received a further complaint, that you allegedly informed another colleague of allegedly simian appearance that he was “the king of the swingers and a jungle V.I.P. “

Whilst the aforementioned colleague may have a propensity to eat bananas during snack time and a somewhat ‘unorthodox’ forehead, if proven true this allegation is once more in contravention of our company’s inclusion policy.

We would therefore like to invite you to a further reconciliation at the same time next week.

Thank you for your compliance in advance,

The Human Resources Team.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

We regret to inform you will we will not be publishing your story D.E.I.B. Insipid B**tards on Fiction Incorporated.

Our group of readers found the corporate communication presented here bordering on absurd and cartoonish, as well as once again violating our profanity policy on submissions. To be candid, it might be time to consider other outlets for your work.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

Thank you for your attendance at the recent reconciliation with Human Resources.

Whilst we understand that the remarks were intended in humour, we appreciate your implied acknowledgement that the actions were hurtful and attention in refraining from this in future.

We also have to invite you to a further reconciliation next Friday regarding alleged remarks directed at another colleague. Allegedly referring to the incumbent of ongoing investigations into alleged underage online pornography as Kate Bush and the man with a child on his thighs, is both unhelpful to the investigation and a contravention of our inclusion policy. (Which we assume you are now familiar with.) It is also not helpful to (allegedly) shout look he’s here again every time the aforementioned colleague comes into view.

Thank you in advance for your acquiescence,

The Human Resources Team.

Dear Fiction Incorporated,

I’m James.

Attached is My Dystopia.

Seriously, whatever.

Kindest regards,

James Marsh.

Dear Lawrence,

Please find attached my report entitled Modern Business Trends: An overview of AI in the next 5 years.

Apologies for the delay in submitting it.

Kindest regards and thanks,

James M.

Dear Mr. Marsh,

We are delighted to offer you publication of the submitted work Modern Business Trends: An overview of AI.

Our panel found it’s epistolary format as a corporate report a mold breaking, satirical swipe at the modern workplace.

Thank you so much and we will be in touch soon.

We encourage you to submit further work in the future and wish you all the best with your writing endeavours.

All the Best,

Fiction Incorporated Team.

Dear James,

I have never received such a mould-breaking, brilliant, brave report as My Dystopia.

Writing it as a story I have to say was genius and it captures everything we want to change about this company going forwards.

Seriously, have you thought about applying for my job when I am promoted next month?

With this level of abstract thinking, you’d be a shoo-in!

Thank you for your efforts,

Lawrence Jackson-Smyth,

Senior Vice President,

Richards Industries.